30 December 2009

Trust Buster!

I feel like I should write some succinct summary of the holidays, my plans for 2010 or some kind of year-end review of the books I've read or the movies I saw.

But I really don't feel like that. I feel like writing about Theodore Roosevelt ... THE BEST PRESIDENT EVERRRRR.


 THE HERO OF SAN JUAN HILL!

I was never really into U.S. history. I can't recant the details of all the wars or list the presidents in order. But Theodore Roosevelt is just so incredible that I can't even deal with it.

SERIOUSLY...
  • He had a mustache and looked like a friendly walrus.
  • Reading and writing were among his favorite hobbies.
  • He didn't like being called Teddy, which is rad, because Teddy is a stupid name.
  • But on that note, the whole thing about not shooting the bear ... you know the story ... he considered it "unsportsmanlike" because the bear was already tied up. So yeah, he was morally awesome. But he still liked shooting animals, which is badass.
  • He was all sickly as a child, but exercised vigorously and built up his stamina until he was healthy. So basically he just kicked weakness's ass.
  • He went on African safaris and expeditions to South America. Like I said ... badass.
  • He was a Rough Rider! And he was awarded the Medal of Honor for leading the charge at San Juan Hill in Cuba.
  • He started the U.S. National Parks Service, which is apparently "America's best idea." More like T.R.'S BEST IDEA, AMIRITE?!
  • Oh yeah, he had all these sweet nicknames: T.R., Trust Buster, the Bull Moose and tons of others.
  • You know Maxwell House's slogan, "good to the last drop"? HE COINED THAT. Holy shit.
  • He had a menagerie of pets, including exotic mammals like hyenas.
  • He was the first president to be given the Nobel Peace Prize. He got the award for mediating the Russo-Japanese War. He also apparently said that his biggest regret was that he was not president during wartime. So, war = bad, but also good. Adventure! Contradictions!
  • His favorite foods were fried chicken, roast beef, grits and meat from the animals he killed. Some historians believe he drank nearly a gallon of coffee each day. Fabulous.
  • In Milwaukee, he was about to give a speech and someone SHOT HIM IN THE CHEST at close range. He was all "IT TAKES MORE THAN THAT TO KILL A BULL MOOSE!" and gave his speech anyway. He didn't even go to the hospital until over an hour later. BADASS.
  • Oh, and when he ran on a third-party (the Bull Moose Party) ticket, he garnered a larger portion of the popular vote than any other third-party presidential candidate in U.S. history.
  • He said all kinds of wise and iconic things, like "speak softly and carry a big stick" and "do what you can, with what you have, where you are."
My favorite maker of comics, the talented and hilarious Kate Beaton, has depicted good ol' T.R. once or twice. She pretty much sums up everything that's incredible about him.

Man oh man. I love you, T.R. Happy New Year.

16 December 2009

Some Thoughts on Cupcakes

What's the deal with cupcakes?

They've certainly been a hot little thing for the past couple of years. I'm not exactly sure what or who launched this trend ... apparently "Sex and the City" had something to do with it? Carrie Bradshaw, taking breaks from typing absolutely ridiculous hypothetical questions into her iBook (or did she have a PowerBook?) in her sprawling Manhattan abode, calling up her quirky friends and marching down to Magnolia Bakery to mack on some cupcakes. Was the cupcake trend full-blown when Andy Samberg and Chris Parnell unleashed "Lazy Sunday" that fateful Saturday night? They love those cupcakes like McAdams loves Gosling.

But I digress. The thing is, I'm more of a savory person. My favorite meals and preferred snacks usually have a salty, spicy or umami thing going on. I love steak, potatoes, pasta, butter, cheese and popcorn. I have nothing against dessert, really, but I rarely bother with it. I'd rather order a greasy appetizer or an extra side dish in lieu of saving room for something described on the menu as "sinful" and served with more than one spoon.

However, when I moved to L.A., I couldn't help but notice all the boutique bakeries and the lavish praise they garnered for their cupcakes ... especially in Beverly Hills, just around the corner from where I worked. I had to know what all the fuss was about.

The cupcake works for me. I don't crave them, and I'm not sure they're worth standing in line for, but I appreciate them. I dig the individual portion size; the taste of thick, sugar-saturated cream mingling with moist, crumbly cake.

And now. Now. Now I am in New York Bloody Fucking City, the world's cupcake shenanigans headquarters, or something. So yes. Yes. Now. Here I am. And these are my thoughts.


LOLkat. (Get it?!) Erm, I didn't have any photos featuring me actually consuming cupcakes. Moving on.


CRUMBS BAKE SHOP.

The first time I ever had Crumbs was in Beverly Hills. Crumbs was on Santa Monica Boulevard, just a block away from the ultra-mega-hip cupcakery Sprinkles. There was an insane line for Sprinkles, and — like I've said — I am not a person possessed by cupcakes, so I ambled down the street to Crumbs, where the line was much more manageable. Turns out Crumbs is everywhere. Beverly Hills. New York City. Stamford. Probably even somewhere in the good ol' Midwest.

Cupcakes from Crumbs are huge, and I think that may be their downfall. Don't get me wrong — they are not inedible by any means. They do have the most creative toppings, and they always have a blob of chocolate, fruit jelly or cream in the center, which is delightful. But I've had several cupcakes from Crumbs that were a bit too dry, and sometimes the icing was almost stale-tasting. I also don't think it's necessary for the cupcakes to be quite so gigantic. Crumbs should scale down the size and focus on staying moist (that's what she said? Ewww).


MAGNOLIA BAKERY.

When I moved to L.A., people asked me if I saw celebrities. (And yes, I did. Fairly frequently.) When I moved to New York, people asked me if I'd gone to Magnolia yet.

Andy Samberg and Chris Parnell mentioned that this bakery had all the bomb frostings, but I'm not sure that I'm inclined to agree with them. Maybe if you're really into frosting this could float your boat, but it was so sweet it made my teeth ache after just two bites. It was like I could feel cavities forming. Excellent presentation though, as you can see. Very seasonal. And all those toppings were edible, save for those larger broom-toting snowmen. Alas! They were plastic.

The actual cake part was pretty phenomenal. Sweet, light and very moist. Maybe I'll just scrape off some of the frosting next time.


BILLY'S BAKERY.

I came across Billy's when I did a Google search for cupcakes within walking distance of my place of employment. They have two locations in Manhattan; a Chelsea spot is apparently their flagship, but there was also a TriBeCa location that was perfect for me. I waltzed up Broadway to check it out.

Turns out Billy makes a damn fine cupcake. A simple, classic cake that was neither too large or too dry, topped with buttercream icing that didn't make my molars ache. There was a nice dusting of jimmies to seal the deal. They were also selling some fantastic-looking slices of cake.

I'd say "until next time" at this point, but I think I've had my fill of cupcakes for awhile. Maybe I should start reviewing hot dog vendors.

15 December 2009

I Want to Go to There

Oh dear oh dear. Whither goest thou, December?

I didn't start this month on the best note. I succumbed to some kind of horrible malady ... I'm not sure if it was the flu, the swine flu or some other wretched virus, but it was certainly unpleasant.

Once I felt better, I decided I needed some holiday cheer. The weather's been all over the place during this first two weeks of December — everything from a bitter 18 degrees to a balmy 65. No consistent cold weather + no snow + no car playing holiday tunes on the radio + no room for a tree in my apartment = I keep forgetting it's nearly Christmas.

 
So I went to 30 Rock.

 
Tree! Ice skaters! New York City landmark!

 
Such a lovely little winter picture.

 
Of course, Radio City Music Hall was right around the corner, looking terribly festive as well.

The night after my Rockefeller Center sojourn, I set out to do some errands in my neighborhood and got caught in a sudden rainstorm. I sought temporary shelter in one of my favorite bars, The Lucky Dog. I made small talk with the 10 or so other patrons and occasionally plugged the jukebox with quarters so I could have Of Montreal accompany my beer.

After "Gronlandic Edit" finished playing, the bar fell eerily silent. It was as if everyone's conversations had just concluded along with the song, and there was no money left in the jukebox. Suddenly, someone at the end of the bar yelled, "HEY! IT'S SNOWING!"

Everyone's head snapped up and we all turned in unison toward the door. Huge white flakes had indeed replaced the cold December rain. A murmur of excitement made its way down the bar and led to a few sincere whoops of pleasure. With a Cheshire grin on my face, I downed the rest of my drink, queued up the holiday playlist on my iPod, slipped on my headphones and set out in the snow for home.

30 November 2009

Reflecting on November

November sped by on wings of fire (and ice? and rain, definitely rain), but it was a very necessary month ... a healing month, a month when I settled, when I branched out, when I found a routine, when I made friends and money and food, when I stopped worrying and learned to love the bomb.

I reread all seven Harry Potter books (in a row this time, no two- or three-year wait in between books) and remembered what was like to be really and truly enchanted with a (well-written! I'm looking at you, Stephenie Meyer) story for all ages.

I saw "Fantastic Mr. Fox" at a theatre in Union Square two weeks before its wide-release date. It was maybe the best film I've seen all year.

I embraced Twitter (I know this isn't necessarily a good thing, but it's something that happened). My cat jumped on that bandwagon long before I did.

 
More bingo in New Haven hosted by a man dressed as Joan Crawford and other delightful members of the Connecticut Gay Men's Chorus. This time with my Domo and some transcendent cupcakes from Crumbs. And finally...

 
...duck on Thanksgiving. Who could ask for anything more?

11 November 2009

Photography 101

There's something clichéd about taking and posting pictures of subway stops.

I mean, there's just something that screams "12-year-old budding photographer" about the whole thing, you know? The giant signs, the poor lighting, the lack of upkeep, the ridiculous people. Not to mention the subtle undertones of "I live in New York and I am better than you" that lace every photo.

 
I guess what I'm trying to say is ... I'm not above it.

 
Chambers Street = the apocalypse.

 
Beautiful fish made of tiny tiles at the Essex/Delancey station.

 
This is my stop.

08 November 2009

Capricious Contemplations

EVERYTHING'S COMING UP MILHOUSE
I found a delicious, well-priced sushi joint. I reconnected with a couple of people. I found an old Starbucks card with a $31 balance. I finally got Time Warner to install wireless Internet in the apartment. I spent an impromptu weekend with my family in Wisconsin — tying up some loose ends, drinking loads of Caribou coffee and reclaiming all my Harry Potter books. AND! I started working. However...

SWINE FLU'DDDDD!
No, I don't have H1N1. But I have been slightly miserable the last couple of days. Nothing super serious — sinus pressure, head and body aches, a bit of a cough, general fatigue. Symptoms of a cold. BUT ALSO! POSSIBLY SYMPTOMS OF SOMETHING MORE SERIOUS! I am absolutely paranoid about contracting the swine flu. I'm leaning away from all the coughs and sneezes on the subway, stocking up on hand sanitizer, taking echinacea and vitamins ... you know ... all of those things that make you feel like you're warding off illness, but will most likely do nothing to stop the inevitable.

"HAPPY?" "NO, NOT SINCE I WAS A CHILD."
For the first time since last season, "30 Rock" aired a really solid episode. And Grizz lost a lot of weight! Good for you, Grizz.

GOD BLESS YOU, MR. ROSEWATER
I have seen maybe three or four old men on the streets or the subway who look startlingly like Kurt Vonnegut, Jr. I always thought Mr. Vonnegut was a somewhat unique-looking man, so this has all been a bit alarming.

19 October 2009

13 Things That Are Happening, Volume II

1) The addition of minced garlic to a Bloody Mary.
2) Rocky Horror Bingomania in New Haven this weekend.
3) Mo's Dark Chocolate Bacon Bar from Vosges. I wanted it to happen and it happened. Bomb. Also,
4) Stumbling upon the Vosges store in SoHo. I practically started hyperventilating. Speaking of stumbling upon things in SoHo,
5) The Evolution Store. Someone buy me a damn skeleton. Last thing I stumbled upon in SoHo:
6) The Guy with a Cat on His Head.
7) Relearning how to dress for cold weather. Yes, it's awful, but it's also kind of magical. This leads to...
8) Receiving a box of all my coats, scarves, hats and mittens in the mail. Warm fuzzies, literally and figuratively.
9) Doppio espresso con panna.
10) Not feeling helpless finding my way around New York. Well ... slowly but surely.
11) Ed Westwick as Heathcliff in a film adaption of "Wuthering Heights"? Oh please let this be happening. Please.
12) Getting a blast of air from the subway grate and feeling like Marilyn Monroe.
13) Finally getting calls and interviews. Finally feeling like things might happen, might work out, might be better than ever. Finally finally finally.

18 October 2009

Status Update

Not being employed really puts one's budget into perspective. Money is spent sparingly and on things like food (because one needs food to live) and alcohol (because one needs it for warmth and also the crushing pain that accumulates when one feels like one does not have a purpose). Things like new clothes and music and cable television are lusted after. But perhaps nothing is lusted after quite as much as the iPhone.


Oh, iPhone. Light of my life, fire of my loins, et cetera. How I long for you and your 3G network, especially since Time Warner is apparently too inept to install high-speed Internet service in my apartment. How I long for your many fabulous apps, which would allow me to finally master the subway system, check my e-mail and bank account balances, look up establishments with free wifi that might be nearby, and play games while I am in line for amusement park rides (which is actually what I am doing in the above photo). How I desire your sleek thin form; your simple touchscreen platform. How I adore you, sweet iPhone. But alas! Alack! I am completely and utterly sans monies, which means that I, a college graduate with a few solid years of work experience, remain on my parents' phone plan. This means that I possess the same basic flip phone that I have had for nearly three years — a banged-up, ancient-looking pink model. Its greatest achievements include taking warped-looking pictures with its two-megapixel camera and sending said pictures to confused recipients. Oh, how I do loathe you, shitty Sprint Sanyo phone circa 2006. I hate you with every fiber of my Apple-adoring, technology-literate being. But you must do for now. Meanwhile, when the person I live with abandons his iPhone, I shall snatch it up and quickly update my Facebook status. When it chimes melodically, indicating a new text message, I will dutifully hand the iPhone over, and another tiny piece of me will die.

13 October 2009

Cheap and Free in NYC

Last week, I was determined to get out of the apartment and actually DO something. It had to be free, of course, and not too tourist-y. Here's what went down.


A taping of "Maury" in Stamford, Connecticut.

I must admit that it's quite a rush to hear Mr. Povich exclaim, after a dramatic pause, "You ARE the father!" IRL.

Total cost: $0 (Not really ... I had to take the Metro North from Grand Central to Stamford, and I did buy myself dinner and a cocktail after the show, but the tickets were quite free. The value? Priceless.)


A Michael Chabon lecture at Columbia University.

This one was a complete surprise. I was hustled onto the subway with no knowledge of my final destination, but I was beyond ecstatic to see Mr. Chabon speak. I waited around for a bit afterward to meet him, shake his hand and anxiously admit my adoration of his work. I was shaking and stammering and not even speaking in complete sentences, but he was quite kind. He produced an autograph for me, complete with a golden key. I was honored and humbled.

Total cost: $0 (Not counting, of course, the subway fare.)


A tour of the Brooklyn Brewery.

BREWERY TOUR! BREWERY TOUR! BROOREETOORRRR! The Brooklyn Brewery is located about 20 blocks north of my little Williamsburg apartment, so this turned out to be a convenient and delightful afternoon activity.

Total cost: $0 (Until I bought a beer. I had to! I was at the brewery!)


Flustered by my choices, I ordered the Blast, simply because it suddenly invoked the image of a superhero stopping for a beer after fighting some villains. (I am aware of how ridiculous that is, yes, thank you.) It was delicious. What I failed to notice is that the Brooklyn Blast had the highest alcohol content out of all the draft choices — 8.5 percent. I found myself rather giggly after just 12 ounces and stopped for McDonald's french fries on the way home.

05 October 2009

13 Things That Are Happening, Volume I

In an attempt not to retreat into the depths of despair, please allow me to make a feel-good type of list...

1) Brooklyn Lager.
2) The boxing workout on Wii Fit. Wow.
3) "While We Wait for the Others," Grizzly Bear featuring Michael fucking McDonald. Seriously, this track is a life-changer.
4) Sleeping late.
5) Silent movies on the CUNY channel.
6) Jasmine rice.
7) A PERFECT ROUND OF BIG BUCK HUNTER PRO. Elk adventure. Believe it.
8) YouTube videos of people popping giant zits.
9) Reading issues of The New Yorker cover to cover.
10) Anticipating Jim and Pam's "Office" wedding and the return of "30 Rock." This is bigger than just you and me, people.
11) Revamping the ol' Web site.
12) Tickets to "Maury" in two days. Good god.
13) "Ruler," Marnie Stern, from her crazy album "This Is It and I Am It and You Are It and So Is That and He Is It and She Is It and It is It and That is That."

30 September 2009

Note to Self: Don't Die

It's an obscenely chilly 57 degrees in Brooklyn today. I was accustomed to L.A. weather ... even moreso than I thought. I did visit Wisconsin briefly last winter, but it was more of a novelty than a realization that places get that cold. I mean, I knew I was going back to L.A. I knew the negative temperatures were temporary. Temporary temperatures! I'd soon be back to a balmy 60 degrees, donning my unlined wool coat and an umbrella while waiting for the bus to take me to work.

I threw on my denim jacket as a precaution today and find myself clutching it in some desperate manner around my torso in yet another Williamsburg bar with free wifi (so much easier to find than Williamsburg coffee shops with free wifi). I'm losing both confidence and heat rather quickly. I really don't think I ask for a whole lot, and I'm struggling with everything. The haphazard canvas next to my head is apparently going for $600. The windows are foggy. My pint glass is full. The beer flows freely and cheaply. And so I shall press on.

23 September 2009

The Life Aquatic


I've never seen so many electric sea nettles in all my life!

16 September 2009

Malt Liquor Tastes Better When You've Got Problems

At the Lucky Dog in Brooklyn. Again. Getting drunk and getting desperate. Does it matter? Job applications almost seem ridiculous at this point. I am waiting — quietly — in the corner. With a double IPA and an unquenchable thirst for everything.

13 September 2009

I'm Fractured from the Fall and I Wanna Go Home

Two.

It's the number of times I've moved across the country, completely uprooting my life ... giving up steady employment and the comfort of friends to bask in the unknown, the unexplored, the opportunities people said would be awaiting me, for I am young with a college degree and some work experience and some life experience and some collected years of nonsense and insanity under my belt. I haven't dabbled in anything too dangerous and I've done what I've had to do, or thought I had to do.

It's the uncertainty + my sensitivity + the words "the economy" said over and over again until they don't mean anything anymore (if those two words were supposed to explain anything to begin with) - money - time = the depths of despair I'm trying to pull myself out of right now.

Two is also the number of cats I've had in my life. The number of empty coffee cups on the table. The number of rings on my right ring finger. The number of eyebrows on my face. The number of times I've had my heart broken.

Actually, it was more like one and a half times that I've had my heart broken. The point is that I can't connect anything to anything; blame my failure on one misstep in particular. If there have been any missteps. Probably. It's difficult to retrace when I'm trying to celebrate the fact that I haven't derailed completely.

I'm a pessimist and I always have been. I'm trying to change that. Slowly. Baby steps. I will delight in this cappuccino. I will delight in the man at the cash register who looks uncannily like Don Knotts. I will delight in the bottle of Kasteel Rouge I recently acquired. I will delight in the number of bars in Brooklyn with cheap beer and free wifi in this, my time of need (especially for cheap beer and free wifi). I will delight in Chuck Bass from "Gossip Girl." I will delight in the fact I have moved to a city where there are four distinct seasons, where the leaves will change color and fall from the trees and get trampled underfoot and eventually covered with snow. I will delight in my digital camera. I will delight in the fact that as long as people keep posting job openings, I will keep applying for them, and eventually someone will call me, someone will interview me, someone will give me a job. It has to happen. Right? Statistically?